I will readily admit I am probably not the best person to give dating advice. I've only ever had one boyfriend and only ever kissed one man (though I did hold hands with a few, okay??), and honestly I didn't even have to go looking for him; in fact (much to my annoyance) he asked me out constantly for weeks until I finally said yes.
That being said, I have some dating advice. Take it or leave it :)
Last month we attended the wedding of my uncle and new aunt. It was a beautiful wedding-- we admired the gorgeous venue, ate delicious food, and discovered that my dad's side of the family consists of much better (and more enthusiastic!) dancers than I had ever suspected. Of course, Oliver stole the show -- and the hearts of all the Indian grandmothers in attendance.
During the ceremony, my uncle shared a quote from an article he'd read that really resonated with me because it exactly sums up what I feel marriage has been for us. To paraphrase, he said, "Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn't be its pre-condition."
Let me say that again.
Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn't be its pre-condition.
I could tell you a million reasons why Jason and I were incompatible when we first met, when we started dating, and even when we got married. Let me list a few:
1. Jason loved video games. I hated video games.
2. I desperately wanted to serve a mission. He wanted to get married soon.
3. I read my scriptures and prayed daily, and I wanted someone who had those same habits. Jason wasn't there yet. (I have since learned that this will likely fluctuate in a marriage -- currently he's the one on his knees nightly while I lie in bed, trying to convince myself to join him or remember if I've read my scriptures this week.)
4. I loved running, hiking, going for walks, pretty much anything outdoorsy and active when we had a free afternoon or evening. Jason preferred dinner and a movie (unless of course I planned an activity around a lake he could fish at. I, unfortunately, do not like fishing.)
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| There was a lake at the top of this hike ;) |
There were some bigger things too that we struggled to agree on. For example...
5. My "philosophy on life" is that we are here to work, to learn, and to grow, and thus, the best use of free time is to work on a talent or skill. Jason's "philosophy on life" is that work is a necessary evil, and any time possible should be spent having fun and making memories with people he loves.
6. I love adventure. I would love to not just travel, but to live in different places among different people, chasing our dreams (well, mostly my dreams). Jason is more of a homebody than me; he loves being close to home, able to attend any and every family function (and Utah Jazz game) that he wants to.
Despite these things, we fell in love with each other. We decided to get married. And we're making it work.
Incompatibility doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is destined for failure. I doubt there's a couple on the planet who are compatible in every aspect of their life together. So what do you do about it? How do you make a marriage work when there are so many things you disagree on?
You compromise.
I know, I know. It's an ugly word. Compromising rarely means you'll get everything you want, which is probably why so many of us are hesitant to do it. Compromising means you'll have to consider someone else's needs and wants in addition to (if not instead of) your own, and that's not easy. My friends, neither is marriage.
If everything had gone the way I wanted it to when we got married, Jason would never play video games; he would have waited for me while I served a mission; we would be reading our scriptures and praying together every single night (again, this is not currently happening because I am the slacker, not him); we would spend all of our evenings and weekends going for walks, playing tennis, or hiking to mountaintops rather than lakes; we would probably both be working more than is necessary (or healthy); and we would both enjoy scrolling Zillow for houses across the country and deciding whether that was a place we'd like to live (for real, not just hypothetically).
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| Ollie used to snuggle while Jason gamed. Now he thinks he needs his own controller and headset to play along :) |
Instead, we compromised. Jason spends a lot of his free time gaming, but not to an excessive amount, and not until he's sure that neither Ollie nor I need his time or attention. I've come to understand that this is how he blows off steam and relaxes with his friends. It helps that we bought him a headset a couple years ago so I don't have to hear his game while I'm doing other things. I decided not to serve a mission, and while that was hard, it was a decision that I made for myself and have since come to terms with. Maybe we'll serve a couples' mission together one day. We both make reasonable attempts to study our scriptures and pray regularly, and maybe one day I'll get my act together enough to join Jason for prayer each night :) I plan hikes and camping trips near lakes or rivers so Jason can fish along the way. Occasionally during the week he'll come for a walk with me and Oliver, and other times we find something to do together at home like play board games or watch TV on the couch.
The bigger things have been harder to find common ground on. I've had to accept that my decision to spend my free time working, whether that's cleaning the house or practicing a new talent, does not necessitate that Jason also be working. He likes to relax more than I do, and that does not make him lazy or unmotivated. I can't make him spend his time in a particular way (though that hasn't stopped me from trying in the past).
Jason has made a huge sacrifice for me, first in moving to Colorado for two years, and now in agreeing to move across the country so I can go back to school in a few years. I know he loves Utah, and he loves being close to family. I, on the other hand, am beyond excited to see where the next few moves take us. I would love to not limit my post-grad school career options to just one place (Utah), but the compromise we've come to is that if I can do school wherever I want, then after that I take a job as close to home as possible.
Let me just cut straight to the point here, since this is already much longer than it really needs to be.
My advice is this: There is no "perfect" person for you. If you have a "list", get rid of (most of) it. No one will match all of your criteria, or even come close to it probably. It doesn't really matter that much if he's taller than you when you wear heels or if she's a great cook. It doesn't even really matter if you don't feel that spark of attraction right off the bat, if he's not a returned missionary for some reason, or if she wants to have a career rather than be a stay-at home mom. People change, personalities change, habits change, goals and dreams for the future change. The person you marry today will not be the same person in five years, and neither will you.
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| Us with no idea what we're getting ourselves into |
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| vs us last year with very different personalities, habits, goals, and dreams -- but still very much in love. Probably more than when we got married! |
Find someone who will change with you, who will grow with you, and who is committed to strengthening your relationship and loving you despite the challenges, the obstacles, and the unexpected situations you find yourselves in, or maybe because of them. Look over your list (if you have one) and decide which one or two (yes, ONLY one or two) qualities are truly important to you, and look for someone with those. In the long run, attraction will grow, personality will fluctuate, and goals will be attained and replaced.
I'm not saying that person will be easy to find, but hopefully it will be easier than finding the one-in-a-million who checks every box on your list. That person likely doesn't exist, and even if they do, who's to say they'll still check those boxes five years from now? Ten? Twenty? Who's to say your list won't change in that time anyway?
I probably have no idea what I'm talking about, and if that's the case feel free to disregard everything I've said. But in my experience, our perceived "incompatibility" at the start of our relationship has had nothing to do with the success of it. What a shame it would have been if we'd called it quits from the start simply because we weren't exactly what the other had in mind.
Jason is so much better than any "perfect" man I could have imagined for myself to marry. I just had to get to know him first to see it :)
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