Jesus is the Strength of Mothers

Jason and I have been married nearly 7 years, and each decision we've made in those years has revolved around one central goal: get me to graduate school. 

Earning my PhD is something I have dreamed about from the moment I graduated college. I feel strongly that devoting my life to research and teaching is the thing God created me to do. So imagine my surprise when, a year ago, I began to feel equally strongly that God wanted me to quit my job at the University of Utah (no God, I won't be a good PhD candidate if I have a break in my work history) and stay home with my children (but God, they love daycare and I love sending them to daycare). This would mean me taking on more piano students to make ends meet (no God, research is my passion - not piano) and raising our family in Utah for the forseeable future (no - just, no).

My very first poster presentation at the Snowbird Neuroscience Symposium.

I argued with Him for a month, and then miserably went first to talk to my husband and then to my boss. At the end of May, I would officially be a stay-at-home mom. 

Two weeks before that happened, I was asked to give a talk for Mother's Day. I laughed at the irony. What did I know about being a mother?

I had done a lot of research about men and women's roles in God's kingdom. Ever since I'd first felt the prompting to consider full-time motherhood, I'd been poring over conference talks on the subject. I studied the women in my ward and in my life whom I admired, noting the ways they spoke to and served their children. I decided to speak about these things rather than from my own experience. 

The central focus of that talk was that every woman is created with traits that qualify us to nurture children, and that God asks us to work in partnership with Him to develop them. At the time I gave the talk, I felt that I had none of those traits. As a little girl, I had not played with dolls. I had never really thought about becoming a mother. I loved my baby brother but it never crossed my mind that I would have babies of my own one day. I looked out into the congregation - at a veritable sea of women whom I loved and admired and desperately wanted to emulate - and felt wholly inadequate. And then two weeks later I was home full time, in the trenches with two very young toddlers. 

My mom managed to capture one of the rare moments where I sat down to play with my siblings

The first few months were so, so hard. At the same time I had decided to step back from work, my husband started a new job which he absolutely loved and was also asked to serve in a somewhat prominent position in our church. I was jealous and resentful of the blessings and opportunities God was granting him, while simultaneously (I felt) taking those same blessings and opportunities away from me. The days stretched long, and for many of them I felt angry, lonely, bitter, and bored. I often took those feelings out on my boys and sometimes isolated myself in my bedroom to keep from yelling or speaking unkindly. Once I had a panic attack while folding laundry. "God," I said, "This cannot be better than what we had."

I do not exaggerate when I tell you that miracles happened in our family and in my heart this past year. I can't pinpoint the exact moment that things began to change. Probably there were lots of little ones --little moments of peace and clarity in quiet moments of prayer, scripture study, and honest conversations with my husband and friends. I began to fall head over heels in love with my boys, not just for the babies they had been but for the people they were growing into. I grew in patience and learned to control my temper. I began to relax a little and relinquish control of my home and my schedule over to God. The Spirit was a more constant influence in my thoughts and my interactions with my children. Slowly, I realized that I felt more joy and fulfillment in this life than I had felt in the one we were living a year ago. Miracles, all of it.

I frequently reflect on the work that God has been doing in our family this year, and I knew I wanted to write about it. At church last Sunday, I felt that this week it was time to share -- a whole year past, Mother's Day again. I was excited to share my experiences and growth this year. 

But for various reasons, this week was really a difficult week, and for two straight days I found myself in exactly the same spot I was a year ago. Listless, frustrated, unfulfilled. I filled our home with a spirit of anger and contention to a degree that we have not experienced in a year or more. I thought that maybe I shouldn't write this post at all. After all, apparently I've spent a whole year at home with absolutely nothing to show for it.

But then I re-read my talk from last year -- a talk, may I point out, that was very much written by the Spirit and not so much by me -- and remembered that in our callings as mothers, God does not ask us for perfection. He asks us to work in partnership with Jesus, to raise these precious souls with Him. And I had started to leave Him out of it, had become a little over-confident in my own efforts. 

I think this week, while difficult, had a silver lining: a reminder of where I used to be, and a little nudge to invite Jesus back into my life, back into my motherhood. 

***

As Elder Uchtdorf taught, Jesus is the strength of parents, and I think, especially mothers. 

From the story of the feeding of the 5000, we learn that Jesus knows what it's like to seek solitude only to be followed by people demanding our love and attention. 

From the story of Zacchaeus, we learn that Jesus saw and loved those who are little in stature, even when others don't see their value. 

From the story of Peter walking on water, we learn that Jesus helped those He loved to do things they thought were impossible, and was there to rescue them when they started drowning in all they tried to do. 

Jesus, who made the blind to see, can help us teach our children to see Him. 

Jesus, who made the lame to walk, can help us teach our children to walk in His paths and find everlasting life. 

Jesus, who cast out devils and healed people from all manner of diseases, can help us teach our children about the miracle of repentance and the gift of being able to turn to Him and find healing from sin, sorrow, sickness, and unfairness. 

And Jesus can turn all of our sacrifices as mothers into the greatest blessings of our lives, blessings that will last into the eternities. 

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention something about my own incredible mom in my Mother's Day post - so cheers to the woman who has always been a steadfast example to me of Christlike sacrifice and service to her family, friends, and especially her five very lucky kids. We are blessed to have you Mama Missy (although it may be time for an updated mother/daughter photo ;) )