Why I Stay: Contemplating Leaving the Church of Jesus Christ (Part 4)

The questions I had always had about the Church began to fester into doubts. As I came to love and appreciate my body more, I struggled to understand the Church's stance on modesty, especially since I had always associated being modest with "hiding" my body. I had a hard time professing to love those of LGBTQ identification while affiliating with a Church which prohibits their marriage. At the same time, I was beginning to grow tired of trying to regain my former spirituality and always coming up short. I felt as if God was disappointed in me, and I was starting to think that the best way to alleviate the guilt was to convince myself that God didn't exist, or at least that He didn't require such stringent obedience as the Church claims. 

Finally, after a wonderful Christmas spent with family and friends last year, I initiated a conversation with Jason about my dwindling faith in which I told him that I didn't know what I believed about the Church or if I even wanted to be a part of it anymore. (Can I just take a minute to give a shout-out to my INCREDIBLE husband who never once made me feel ashamed for my feelings, unworthy of his love, or like I'd violated his trust by having doubts.)

I love this man. So. Much.

After that conversation, I remember feeling somewhat excited at the prospect of being able to live life the way that I wanted to. I felt freed from the constraints of abiding by gospel principles such as modesty (hellloo tank tops), Sabbath observance (more time for camping and hiking!), or the Word of Wisdom (I mean, is there anyone who doesn't think coffee smells delicious?) But lingering in the deep recesses of my heart was the unsettling feeling that I was consciously choosing the opposite of what I knew to be good and right and true. 

Jason and I had another talk on our eight-hour drive home. In it, we determined that we did not actually want to abandon the church of our youth, at least, not right away. It was a decision that would take more than just an hour of discussion. It would take a lot of conversation, a lot of prayer, and a lot of work. 

At the same time, I knew that a decision did have to be made. I had been a fence-sitter for far too long, and that isn't my nature. I have never been a halfway kind of girl -- I either give my all, or I give up. 

So I began to study. My approach was completely different than it had ever been. Up to this point, I had always studied the gospel intending only to believe what I learned; this time, I studied to understand. 

I asked hard questions of the scriptures and the prophets. I studied the doctrines of eternal marriage and families, especially as it relates to our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. I studied the Church's positions on roles of women and men, both within and without the family. I studied sexuality and modesty. I studied the Come, Follow Me sections of the Doctrine and Covenants. 

I did not find all of the answers to my questions, but what I did find was something infinitely more precious to me -- my faith. 

finally starting to feel like myself again

Part 5