Why I Stay: Conclusion (Part 6)

I am hesitant to say that I "know" any of the things I've professed to believe in this blog series. My faith is still fledgling, and I do still have questions. But this one thing I know: God is real. He lives. He loves me, and He loves you. I have been a partaker of His infinite love, forgiveness, and patience this year as He has led me (albeit slowly) back to the fold. 

This year I have gained a clearer focus of who I am and what my purpose is on this earth. As the Light of the gospel of Jesus Christ has returned to my life, I have been happier than I have ever been. Does that mean life is easy? No. It definitely is a struggle to hand over 10% of our income every month, or to take Oliver to church when we know we'll be too busy distracting him to hear any of the lessons, to use our precious baby-free date nights to attend the temple instead of seeing a movie. But we also can see that we have been blessed and watched over as we've done these things.  Our marriage has been strengthened. We both have good jobs that allow us to take care of our son. Yes we work a lot and hardly see each other during the week, but we're able to provide a home and food and fun family activities for our son, whom we adore. We've been able to meet financial goals that seemed impossible just a few months ago. We've been able to see our families far more than expected when we moved away. We've been able to build a support system of friends and family here in Colorado. All the while, we know that none of these things are things we've done for ourselves-- they've all come from our Heavenly Father whom we are eternally indebted to. I have been grateful and humbled by the goodness of God this year. 

My purpose in writing this is not to try to "convince" anyone back to the Church. Rather, it is to combat the rhetoric that those who remain in the Church have either been brainwashed or manipulated or they are conspirators in a cult. This is simply not true. Many, maybe even most, members of this Church have thought long and deeply about their testimonies and their commitment to the gospel. Our faith does not always come easily to us. 

I also want to give a voice to those of us who struggle with our faith from time to time. On social media in particular, it often seems that people are either giddy about the Church or spewing hatred towards it. There's not a lot of in-between, and it can be lonely to feel that you are the only one who isn't 100% sure about everything you hear over the pulpit. 

Lastly, I want to normalize the reality that many active members of the Church have questions, doubts, and faith crises, sometimes lasting weeks, months, or even years. Not all of these people will remain in the church, and I think that's okay. 

Am I saddened when I see people abandon the faith? Of course.

But do I think it's the end of all hope for that person? Of course not. 

I believe in a God who loves all of His children and wants all of them to have eternal joy. I believe in a God who has a plan to allow for as much happiness as is possible for each and every one of us, including those who, for reasons we may not know or understand, feel that they need to separate themselves from the Church. We should not judge those who have left, but neither should we be judged for staying.

Both choices can be extremely difficult and personal. Some days I still wonder if I've made the right decision, but those days are much fewer and further between than they used to be. I remind myself that for me, living the gospel as taught in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints makes life simple and beautiful and joyful. 

And that's why I stay.