Silent Saturdays

My mom shared a social media post with us this weekend that referenced this article by Max Lucado called The Silence of Saturday. It's about the Saturday that existed between Crucifixion Friday and Resurrection Sunday, the awful waiting that happens between times of darkness and light, despair and joy. It's about the days when it seems that God has abandoned His children, when it feels like He doesn't know or doesn't care how long you've been waiting for something from Him.

Sometimes it seems to me like the last three years have been one endless Silent Saturday, and by that I don't mean that they've been bad years. They have been some of the happiest, most fun, most exciting years of my life. But they've also tried my faith in so many many ways.

Jason and I have had some good talks about this recently (turns out those forever long drive-thru lines are good for something after all :) ). As a youth in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you are given so many opportunities for spiritual experiences that grow and strengthen your testimony. There's weekly activities, firesides, morningsides, seminary, scout camp, girls' camp, youth conference, EFY, Trek, testimony meetings, temple trips, youth devotionals, and missions, to name a few. Day to day life is positively saturated with heavenly experiences if you take advantage of them, which we did. As a youth in the Church, I was so involved, my testimony so sure that I felt like I was infallible.

 Those opportunities are not nearly as frequent once you become an adult, and I don't feel infallible anymore. In fact, most days I struggle to be able to feel the peace, comfort, and understanding that the gospel once brought me. At times I have wondered what I'm doing wrong. This past January I recommitted to reading my scriptures daily. Jason and I have been diligent about praying together every night. I take social media fasts often (because I can't regular fast right now). We'd established a good habit of going to the temple together every month before the temples closed. But even with all that, I often feel that God is far from me, that He is not as intimately aware of me and my life as I once knew Him to be.

After the October 2019 General Conference, Jason and I felt impressed to make many changes in our lives. He worked on eliminating distractions by selling his X-Box and making daily habits of reading his scriptures and praying, both with me and by himself. I gave up some of my time spent listening to music to listen to church books and conference talks, and worked on reading my scriptures daily. We did these things because President Nelson promised that if we did, this April's Conference would be memorable and unforgettable. Never in our lives have we prepared for a conference as we did for this one.

Jason clearing his Xbox before selling it. It was a rough night in the Olson household. :)

I know many people had wonderful, healing, comforting experiences at Conference a few weeks ago, but that was not the case for me. I do believe the messages were inspired by God, and that as I re-listen to them throughout the coming months I will receive different impressions as I need them. But in the moment, I didn't receive the comfort and the peace that I was so craving to feel, that I always feel after a weekend of General Conference.

Mine and Jason's life at this point is so filled with uncertainty and confusion. We are trying so hard to do the things we are supposed to, to make smart financial decisions, smart career decisions, and smart life decisions, and it often feels as if we are going about it blindly. Though I know in my head that God knows us and cares deeply about us, I don't often feel the reassurance of the Spirit that used to be a constant presence in my life, and it is easy to wonder if our worries are too inconsequential in light of the current world crisis for Him to intervene, or even to just point us in the right direction.

I often wonder how long this Saturday will last, when I will again experience the glorious Light and joy and understanding that comes with Resurrection Sundays. Because if I know one thing, it is that I will experience that Light again. God will not be silent forever. I may not understand right now what I am supposed to learn from this prolonged Silent Saturday. I may not understand the reason for the challenges I've experience and the darkness I've felt, much as Jesus's disciples did not understand how the Son of God could be killed by mortal men. Like them, I am confused, I am lonely for my Savior's presence, and I am waiting as patiently as I can for God to enlighten my understanding.

I love this line from Mr. Lucado, "His silence is not His absence, inactivity is never apathy".  I know God loves His children. So, though it is not easy, I can believe that this Saturday will end, and I can wait for my Sunday to come.


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Also, in case anyone was wondering how our quarantine is going...

We finished painting our baby's room

Jason got set up working from home, both with his computer...

his soda fridge...

and oodles of noodles. 

These packages of Ramen only made it to our pantry after a long and hard-fought battle
with the Macey's checker, who did not want to believe that the sign that said
 "12 packs per customer" really did say 12 packs and not 2.

 We learned how to make curry, and it is delicious. 

We date-nighted down to Spanish Fork for some Panda Express and to drive by our temple (don't worry, we didn't get out of the car or interact with any people ;) )

 We planted our very first garden and will be overjoyed if even one vegetable manages to grow.

That plow was loaned to us by my great-grandpa Ellis, who told us it belonged to his grandpa!
It still gets the job done.

Yes, we did plant tomatoes already. No, we didn't cover them. Yes, we know they will
probably not survive.

We went to a makeshift drive-in movie theater and watched Megamind.

And Oliver continues to grow at an exponential rate (at least, that's how it feels). Less than two months to go!